Modern Dating Part 1: It’s Those Damn Phones By Julie Bozzay

Dating in this day and age sucks. Movies and books are liars and finding romance feels hopeless. 

Since I was little, I consumed media that showed me beautiful romances that blossomed from meet cutes, odd situations, and even hatred. Now I’m left to wonder where those interactions are hiding. It used to be that two people would meet through a mutual friend or on a night out, but the etiquette and attitude around “making moves” has changed. 

Let's start with old communication. Without the iPhone, two people that were interested in one another had to actively seek out each other's company. Without constant access to one another, people were forced to confront their feelings and pursue interest. Interest was something that had to be shown through effort and time, therefore, affection was not strewn about carelessly, but rather meticulously crafted from individual focus. What is now a 1 am text that reads “wyd?”, used to be a face to face conversation asking about availability for a date. Even two people that met at a bar had more sincere interactions than we do today. It used to be that someone would approach you at a bar and, rather than asking for your Instagram or Snapchat, they would engage in conversation and flirt until finally asking for a number or a date. People would go out to dinner and now it's “wanna come watch a movie at my place?”. 

Social media made everyone accessible enough that to express interest, there is little to no effort involved. The necessity of effort for communication was what drove genuine and singular connection. Now people can express interest with the click of a button and pursuit has become a chore. A “move” now consists of liking someone's story or sending them a dm instead of expressing one's feelings directly. Late night conversations have turned into late night texts and with that comes miscommunication and a lack of depth. The absence of face-to-face interaction makes the connection much more casual and non committal. The lack of commitment has led to hookup culture. 

With social media, people are constantly exposed to the most “perfect” versions of one another which then sets them up for unrealistic expectations regarding the dating world. With this, people find themselves waiting to commit because they see the possibility of landing someone they deem as “better”. So, they look to temporarily satiate sexual needs through a casual hookup in hopes that someone that meets their standards will come along eventually. Without

meaningful conversation however, you will never know if the person that reflects your standards is the one you just hooked up with. People continue to tap and hookup and the non committal cycle goes on. 

Don’t get me wrong, people do still approach at the bars or the gym or wherever, but rather than conversing enough to decide if one wants to continue, they get your instagram or snapchat and attempt to contact you at 3 in the morning. For those of us that don’t enjoy the “dtf?” text, we seek romance elsewhere. Elsewhere has become dating apps. Since third spaces are now found in phones and not out in the community, people are forced to find connections through their devices. The apps however, have a plethora of people looking for a range of outcomes. Some people join for an easy hookup, some for dating, and some for a life partner. You have to sift through the sea of potential matches to find a singular person that you think is cute. If you are lucky enough to find someone that you have an interest in and you two decide to plan a date, you now have to face stranger danger. More often than not however, the conversations fade into nothing. Sometimes though, you do find what you are looking for. 

iPhones have created a system through which people are constantly accessible, people no longer have to seek each other out, so they no longer miss one another or see the purpose in carving out time to spend together. Social media platforms have created a “lookbook” for social ideals surrounding bodies, beauty, and behavior. People are constantly faced with unrealistic relationships that reflect only the moments of beauty and not the hardships that crafted it. Romance is currently hiding in the pre-iphone era, but I have high hopes for its return. People will always yearn for connection, love, and understanding.